You know that saying always a bride's maid never a bride. I think that applies to me, not in the sense that all my friends are married, but more in the sense that I'm always a friend and never a girlfriend. All of my friends right now have either a. Just gotten in to a relationship, b. Have been in a great relationship for awhile, or c. They just ened long term relationships, and don't want to be tied down for the time being. Then there's me...Dominica...as always...just me. That's how I've been for what, hmm...the past 21 years. I've had crushes, I've had numbers given to me, heck I've even been on a couple of dates. Still not in a relationship though...not an official one. I've had weird inbetweens and almosts...still nothing official, nothing that I can really call my own. So what am I here to say exactly? I don't really know at the moment, but I'm sure it will unfold in due time. I do know, however, why I started writing this. I like a boy. Yes, a different one than before. Sure this one's not as tall, or as sweet, nor is he as simple or captivating as my beloved J. Then again...J. is not here, he's away, doing his thing, living his dream, and who can blame him? I would be off living mine as well if given the opportunity. So to bide my time as I wait for my next opportunity to live my dream and hopefully include J. in it (and also to abide the fears of my grandmother, mother, and aunt, and my own) I've been keeping a secret eye out for a new boy. I found one...or so I thought. He's smart, that's what I like best about him. Seriously more than anything else I really enjoy the fact that he is extremely intellegent. When I found out what he was studying I was shocked...well not like shocked, more like pleasantly surprised(though I gave him crap for it). He was good looking, I was attracted to him, and there were no immediate flaws in his physical design, and he was Smart...I was like WHAT, and he's talking to me?...but more on that later. Anyway, when I first met him I just awknowledged that he was a cute boy, and allowed myself not to think anymore of him. I thought he was cute, great...now forget him I said to myself. If only I knew I would be writing this now...So that day when I first saw him it went like this:
Sureel: So Domi is there anyone here you think is cute?
Me: Hmmmm...not really...I dunno...wait...he's cute ::I point::
Sureel: Oh that's ____, you should go talk to him
Me: NO, that's okay, I don't feel like that right now.
Sureel: No, you should, he's really nice and...(blah...blah more goodthings), don't worry I'll introduce you tonight.
That's how it began, I didn't want to meet him, I tried not to, but I did meet him, but after we ran through a Fitched version of the formalities...I ran. I didn't want to be in his vicinity in anyway shape or form. However, that's not thow it worked. Basically, I was sober, and therefore more deft at avoiding him, and his drunken attempts to talk. Yet, through a series of events we ended up sitting close to one another, and a conversation ensued dispite my sobriety amoungst the drunk. That was where I learned more about him. In two white cusioned chairs early one Sunday morning(1am-ish?). I left him there in those chairs, I was banking on him being so drunk that he really had no clue he was speaking to and that he'd forget me, and that I would not see or speak to him again. I was wrong, but I admit it was my fault, kinda, I still wasn't expecting anything. A few days later I called my girl Sureel:
Me: Hey!! Can I ask you a Question?
Sureel: Sure.
Me: Remember, that guy I thought was cute?
Sureel: Yeah, ____? (name there)
Me: Yeah, he was really cute...I still don't get why he even talked to me.
Sureel: Cuz...you're cute, really you are.
Me: I thought I looked so bad that night, but I was wondering if we'd ever see him agian, I mean I just thought he was cute.
Sureel: No, girl I understand, why don't you just facebook him?
Me: I dunno, well, I could, do you know his last name?
Sureel: Yes, it's __________.
So, I made contact first...yes, me. I don't know now if I'm sorry I did it, but I did and that's done now. Still, although I made contact first, he kept it going...I mean he did respond...keep reading.
Fastforward now( by the way that was over the summer, a couple weeks before school started for us Illini.) I'm finally getting to UofI (champaign-urbana) the monday right before the first day of classes...which is Weds. I unpack a few things ( honestly I just finally unpacked everything, and put away the boxes and organized my room like yesterday...no Thursday, but my room is beautiful...really its like a magazine.) say goodbye to my mom, grandma, and sister, and gear up for the semester to come. Up to this point this boy and I have exchanged messages online, short brief messages. The next morning after I got to school, I'm bold...I IMed him. Brave right...ok for me it was. It took me like an hour to push send after I typed the message, and it took him hours to respond ( he was away). We made plans to eat together the next day, and that's where it took off...or now looking back...maybe I just did. We went out that night too, to a bar, a friend of mine came with us as did a friend of his. After the bar...we got back(darn is this where I messed up?) to his room and we talked. OK, we didn't just talk, but we did for awhile, but then as we were talking he leaned in for the kill. I was thinking: "WHAT....he's going to kiss me?? I'm so not ready for this....oh no....he's so cute...omg...wait...he's kinda smiling...no he's not going to...wait....yes he is...darn it!!!! This is it, he's gonna kiss me and we're never gonna talk again...ok...so am I gonna do this?....But he's hott...ok just do it." Mind you all this thinking is happening in a span of like 3-5 secs. maybe even less. So I kissed him. It was a good kiss, a kiss that made me like him officially. We only kissed, but it was late and I did sleep there that night...it sucked...the sleeping, his room was freezing, he had no blankets on his bed, I was in my tight jeans, and I hate sleeping in my bra...uggh. So I got up that next morning(feeling, oh so tired and like I had the smell of a boy encircling me and that everyone could smell or tell somehow that I had been up all night with a guy.) and went to my 8am class. That night repeated itself that following night, yet it has not made an appearance since that first week of school. So much has happened since that first week, and now I'm here not knowing where I stand, and it drives me crazy. I've gotten mad at him for varyious things, but I'm only mad b/c I don't know what's going on, I like him, and I feel like my chances are slipping away, and I had (well I still have) the hope (this hope seems so silly now) that there would be a "we" finally and not just a "me" as usual. Oh, well...I guess I'll have to see what happens next...and you will too.
Though I doubt anyone reads this.
