OK....I kissed him...(not the guy in the pic...he's just there for the view...) twice, and he says he had no idea I liked him, and now I haven't seen him in person since last week, and we talk on AIM, but thats it. He talks on AIM like nothing happened last thursday. I thought I was so close so close to finally having something...I know he just got out of a longterm relationship, but I was willing to go slow...as slow as he needed to. I mean I need slow too, I haven't really had a bf...ever. So slow was good, but then I have to end up feeling stupid, b/c I go to this bar...and this girl is there, this girl who is not ugly, but not pretty either, she's just there, your regular run of the mill jane, and he kisses her...he kisses her...GOD (and I really needed to call on him...so that was not in vain), I felt so dumb, so stupid, so blind to think for a second that he would like me...I mean for someone that I like to like me?...that's insane. I'm just Dominica, Dominica...who tries to believe she's pretty, smart, talented, good, kind, unique, exotic looking, almost maybe sexy in that demure, sweet innocent, bookish way. I'm not replusive AM I? I mean if I am tell me so I can either a. Fix it or b. Live with it and just give up now. What am I doing wrong??? Why can't I be happy...and share it with someone else? I mean I just want to share something...happiness, feelings, kisses, food, movies, all that good stuff, but as much as I want that...it seems like its just getting progressively further and further away. Actually recently it seems like everything I want is getting father and farther away from my grasp. I have this fear that I will end up on the opposite end of everything I have ever wanted. So far away and then my life will be over, and it will be too late to do anything...and I will just have to wait till I die.
I talked to my mother about this whole thing with ____, she said maybe he's being honest, maybe he really didn't know. Did I really do anything after the two kisses which happened a month ago, to let him even know I was interested? She knows I can be quite fridged. I guess I didn't do too much, but I didn't know what to do...remember Dominica, has no experience with these things. He kissed me in August and he still talked to me the next day, and then he kissed me again...and still he talked to me the next day. I know that sounds so stupid, but again I have no experience, I'm 21 without one solid relationship under my belt. I know what I want, but I am lacking in the knowledge of my skills to get what I want. So maybe its true. I didn't give him any clues. So again...I'm still where I was before. Alone.
Geez, that's depressing...on a lighter note...I'm still writing music, learning guitar, and singing. I got a pretty good song down last night. I want to cry, about the whole ____ thing, but I haven't really felt like it yet. So in some weird way I'm tottally ok. I know I am I'm too self-sufficient not to be...that's another thing, I'm too good on my own.
One more thing I dyed my hair...It's no longer this almost blonde colour...which was tottally washing me out, I'm a nice golden brown brunette now...good with my skin tone, and not all the way black so its something new, fun, and different.
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