Top: My bloody knee after I fell. Bottom: Sheena, Me, and Sureel Friday before Joes.
Bom Dia!!!! Thats good morning in Portugese, since I was Adriana for Halloween this weekend. I wore the bra that she was wearing in one of her photos I found online. This weekend was pretty fun especially friday night. We went to Joe's and met up with some guy friends and danced all night!!! I love dancing. Saturday night looked promising as well, however near the end I fell when I was doing ostrich runs with Sheena and I took off about 5 layers of skin on my left knee, and I ripped my favorite dance tights all the way through. I was sad in a lot of pain, and it bled a ton!!!. There were also chunks of skin stuck on the tights...it was pretty nasty. Still we walked around I was so cold, and we attempted to go to a bar but they wanted $10 dollars and it was already like 1am, so we were like no way. I got sick, well not terribly sick, just a bit congested. Now its Monday and I need to just stay in and study and get well for Tuesday night which is a Halloween party at the BETAS!!!! I love BETAS!!! They are so cute and they have one of the best looking frat houses on campus. Its not looking all ugly and torn down like other ones. SigEps and AlphaSigs are my other favorite houses, and PIKES they're pretty cool too. I like these frats because I know guys from these houses and they're really cool and love to dance and party as much as me and my girlfriends. Also they're hott, I have yet to find any other frats besides these that can boast as many good-looking guys. So tomorrow night is BETA night, I cannot wait.
I need to really blow off some steam. My mom was tearing in to me over the phone today. I know that what I did wasn't the most responsible way to handle my money, but at the same time I really just wanted to be able to hang and have the same things as my friends. I know sounds dum but that is all it was. When they would go out to shop so would I, when they got food so would I, and I just got caught up in the moment with them. I'm not saying that what I did was ok, I know I shouldn't have spent so much, but its annoying to have to want while it seems like everyone around you is continuously getting. Anyway I really want to have fun I feel like I'm always missing out on fun so I just didn't think about the spending at the time. So I'm sorry, I'm an irresponsible person, I know this, and for some strange sick reason I'm reveling in it. I'm not only being irresponsible with money however, I think I am with school too. This however, is not something I'm reveling in. I just feel distracted and detached and like I'm not really here. Then there's XY. XY is the person I used to refer to as ____. From now on he will be refered to as XY, an idea my younger brother came up with from a television show he and my little sister watch. I'm a bit depressed as well. This depression is stemming from my worries about school, money, and XY. These three things hang from my neck with an indescribible weight.
Speaking of XY...I have to wonder what is going on in his head? Exactly what does he think about me, because as of late I've been a bit open with myself when it comes to him. I'm worried that I've been too nice and too open. I hope that I'm not allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. I would really like to know where I am going with XY and with my life. I'm starting to get the feeling that I've hit a dead end with both. I need some insight, something to happen because I'm stuck in a serious rut. I have fun with XY no doubt, but I enjoy being with him as a person not only because he's attractive, but I wonder if that's all I am to him, just a good-looking girl. I know I don't repulse him, and that he must be attracted on some level, but exactly what level I have no clue. The answer to this question has been eluding me since Saturday, which is the last time I saw him. Why are guys so hard for me? It all seems so easy for other girls. It not fair. Everything lately has been seeming to come easy for everyone, but me. Its like I'm missing some valuable link that everyone else has. I just feel so blah...and fat. I feel really fat. I'm thinking about anorexia as an answer. It works for Kate Bosworth and Nicole Richie...why not me too? I'm so sick of feeling out of it. What am I supposed to do!?! Will someone tell me!
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