Love Episode VIII: Black Holes & Hilary Duff

Meredith is in bed...I'm in bed...I can't move. I'm stuck here, alone, cold and hurting inside. Hurting so bad inside that its dark in there, everything is so dark and twisty in there that its hopeless...a black hole where all the hope gets sucked in. This Black Hole is there b/c there has NEVER been any LOVE in there EVER. So the Hole gets bigger, darker, twisty-er, swirling around sucking up the hope and the nothing.

Whoever the slut is, I don't want to know b/c I don't care. Whoever she is she's not as good as me, as smart as me, talented, nor as hott. That's just a given. I hate this feeling that I have right now. I hate him, and her, and this feeling. I hate that I don't have what I wanted, what I want. I hate it that he is with someone else that is not me...it makes me sick. I hate him for not knowing, and for not making it easier for me. I hate myself for wanting something like him. I hate myself for not doing all the right things to get what I wanted. I hate myself for crying now. I hate them, and the idea of a "them," and not an "us." I hate it that she's not pretty, that she's plain and ordinary. I only wanted something that I liked, that I enjoyed being around. I can't stand that this is happening. I can't stand that I'm going through this pain. I can't eat, sleep, and thinking just sucks. I can't focus or concentrate on anything. I hate that I'm devoting time to him, to this. I hate it that I can't find something else to focus on, to submerge myself in. I hate it that I don't have anyone, that I'm single and wanting to look, but can't b/c I can't stop thinking about him. All I know is that I don't have what I want, and I want to know why, and what I need to do or be. I want to know what she has that makes him think she's good for him, that he thinks I may be missing. I want to know what I am and what I was to him. He made me say it, he kept badgering me and manipulating me to say what he wanted to hear me say. I said it. Now I want the same, I want to know exactly how he feels about everyone and everything, and where I fit. I want details, timelines, from beginning to end. I want to know why and where it changed. I want to know what happened. I want to know the why's and the what's. He made me tell him, I want the same. I'm crying, and I have cried too much over things like this. I don't want to be sad because I end up alone again. I want to have something manifest itself. I want something to work out for me, but it never seems to. I want to have something sometimes. I'm getting sick of always being left with nothing. Of always having to move on...to what? NOTHING as usual, another crush that leads nowhere? I'm sick of that, I just want something, someone that's for me. I don't have anyone, I have nothing with no one. How can it stop? And when will it? Am I being saved for something great? I doubt it. I just want to know...something.


Ugh...my roomate is in her room blasting the most repulsive thing: Hilary Duff "Beat of my Heart." I wish she would get sucked in a black hole...that would help the Universe.