Love Episode XI: Bye, Bye, XY.

These are what I really want ...well, at least one.










So tonight I had another encounter with XY. I was just working on my calc in the lobby of my building, orginally with my friend/roomie Connie. She got a bit bored (who can blame her...watching someone do integrals is not very interesting) and went upstairs to bed. Then a while later as I continued to integrate, XY appeared. I must admit, I half expected/hoped he would. However, I was AIMing with my a good friend of mine, and when he garnered for my attention I have to say I wasn't really willing to play audience to his oddball antics. He hurts me sometimes. I hate to say it, but its true. Some of the things he says hurt me. Actually a bunch of the crap he says hurts me. I hate being hurt, I hate the feeling that I'm letting myself be hurt even more. I know the reason the things he says hurt me is because I still care about him a bit in that non-platonic way. So I need to stop that. Me + Him = Nothing. It will never happen and I really need to accept it. Do I even really want it to happen? I mean if I could have the first him, the in the beginning him I would. Now, after all the crap, with that girl, who he is now dating. I don't want sloppy seconds. I hate to even think that I would ever be second to anyone. I'm competitive and to compete for someones affections is not a game I want to end with 2nd place. I don't ever like second place. Besides, I doubt that he has liked me since that first week of school. So its over. Officially. My feelings for him have been eradicated, and I'm good with being his friend, and that's all. Connie asked me today, well really Thursday for now its 2am on Friday, she asked me if he asked me on a date (sans girlfriend of course) what would I say? I thought and thought, and I know: If he asked me now I would say yes, that doesn't mean I still like him, but everyone deserves a chance. To be honest I have already gone out on dates with different guys this semester, dispite the fact I didn't feel like right away. So what's the difference here? I mean who knows, a date doesn't = like, it means I'm taking time to get to know a guy a little more in a special way. But anyway, I know I don't like him like him. Besides what was I thinking? He DOES have a girlfriend, so it was a waste of time, and I hate wasting time. ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Also he doesn't make me feel good about me. I want to feel good about me when I'm with someone, and make them feel good. That's what really did it for me tonight. He was making me feel bad, and that game he plays is getting old to me. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm not as intelligent as he is, and regardless of who's smarter it shouldn't matter, no one should ever make me question my intelligence. At times I feel like I'm in the constant state of needing to prove it to him. No one should have to feel like they need to prove themselves to be liked in return. That is the real reason I'm letting him go. I need respect, and he just doesn't add up enough in that department. So I'm sorry to all of my friends who spent hours of listening to me go on about him, about his good points and his bad. If I talk about him, I hope to keep it contained here. So it bothers no one. Still, I have to be brutally honest about another thing. I hate it that I can't like him anymore, I HATE it. To be even more honest still, I wish I could continue on liking him, and have everything be grand, that everything would work out like I hoped it would when I first liked him. I wish he would give me some concrete reason to keep liking him, but I doubt he will, no, I know he won't. Like I said, he does have a girlfriend so why would I expect anything?

I guess the good thing about the whole XY thing is that even though I never actually dated him, I did learn something about me and what I want when I finally do date someone. I want it to be really really good in the beginning. I know that its not always good, but in the beginning it should be. I want to feel good about me when I'm with a guy, not like I have to be better than what I am for him. I can't be, I can just be Dominica...that's it, and that should be enough, I can't really be Adriana Lima, or some other girl that guys think are perfect. I don't have big perfect boobs, I'm not 5'7", and I'm not whatever else XY or someother guy might think is perfect, but I do stand out. Besides, I like that I'm me. Dominica is 5'2", size 0/2, with little boobs, dark brown hair, black eyes, olive skin, and a bootylicious booty. Haha. She likes comedies and action movies, and hates chick flicks. She's really smart, actually she truly is a genius, only she's a very very lazy one, and somehow manages college without reading her textbooks, which is why she's a genius. She likes to sing and write music, and most of all she loves to dance. It's her passion, and her dream is to have mastered some level of skill in almost every form of dance. So far its only ballet, tap, jazz, and modern, but one day, yes one day it will be everything. She wants to go to medical school, Harvard Medical school or Dartmouth, and she wants a 42 on her MCAT. Which she is going to do. She wants to be a surgeon, and have a brownstone in NYC. If you don't know what a brownstone is...then your very uncultured and lowly...its a type of building...a style of home. Duh. There are many other things she likes and wants, but we'll end with this: Lastly, she wants her own McDreamy/McSteamy. She wants him to be both. Whoever he is. He has to be both, he has to be gorgeous, but geniously smart, confident, but kind, sensitive, strong, supportive, respectful, open-minded, and adventurous. In the end, after all this crap that she's gone through and still has to go through, she wants to be in love. That's all, that's what I want. Right now XY can't give me what I want, so, kinda sadly, it's bye bye, to like liking XY.