Dominica: Story of a Girl

Thank You God!

2011-05-03T15:07:00.000-05:00

Today is Tuesday. That is important even though my story started...well I'm not sure when but it started a long time ago, involves many people, and the intersection of all of our timelines. So I guess God is probably the only person who can see where it all began.

Anyway, to be consise I'm gonna have to choose a point to start from. Also to make the story as less about me as possible I'll start from about two weeks ago.

April 21, 2011.
A best friend of mine confided in me that a person very important to her was going to jail. She loves him, and she was very scared and upset for him. A week later we all (a group of his friends and her friends)spend time with him before his date to leave. He cried as one by one we said our goodbyes. The last person with him was my best friend until the early morning of his departure.

This past weekend my BFF just didn't seem right. She was very distracted so I did my best to be there for her. While we were out one night. I said "Tuesday. Tuesday sounds like a good day for him to be home." She looked at me unbelievingly so I added "I'll pray about it, don't worry." To be honest, I had no feeling one way or another. I had no insight into the situation except that by asking God for assistance I would be doing my best service to both my best friend and the guy she cares for. So I prayed. I prayed more than once. I did it when the issue came to my mind. I literally prayed for him to be released on Tuesday. Not Monday or sooner, not Weds or later. Tuesday. It was always Tuesday I prayed for and not just "God please release him early." No I specifically asked for Tuesday everytime.

Today is Tuesday May 3, 2011. The man who my best friend loves so much was released from jail today. She thanked me, but I told her not to because God did all the work. I only asked.

Have a blessed day.

I'm Back!!!

2011-04-28T14:17:00.001-05:00

Ciao beauties!

Sorry I haven't been posting as regularly as I'd like, but my life is well... difficult currently. Or rather the circumstances seem more daunting than usual, but I think its just a period of change that I'll eventually be led out of.
Anyway, once I organize my life better I'll be back to my past blogging ways.
So what's going with me? Well I''ll soon be the producer of my own show...sure it'll be on YouTube, but hey gotta start somewhere. Basically it's a reality show focusing on the lives of two very good friends of mine and myself. No title yet, but I want to start filming today actually, and have the first episode out by next Sunday.

Also this blog is personal, I want to touch on my life and thoughts, so, I plan on keeping my other blog focused on happenings in the world that catch my eye and have this blog more about my personal life. Actually I started this blog in 2006, then switched to wordpress, but now I think I'll use it again and revamp it. As I said it's focused on my personal life and lessons. Also if anyone wants to receive and/or give advice to/from me they can here!

Lastly, I'm super SICK of hearing about this Royal Wedding...more on that later. But seriously...Inside Edition contacted Kate Middleton's 11th cousin twice removed and asked "Are you upset/surprized you didn't get an invite?" Really? These people probably didn't even know they were related and probably didn't and still don't care...can we get some real news?

New Blog

2006-12-09T18:04:00.000-06:00

Here is were I've been posting recently...I still like blogger though I just thought I'd get the feel of both.

Click Me!!!

Love Episode XI: Bye, Bye, XY.

2006-11-10T02:11:00.000-06:00

These are what I really want ...well, at least one.

So tonight I had another encounter with XY. I was just working on my calc in the lobby of my building, orginally with my friend/roomie Connie. She got a bit bored (who can blame her...watching someone do integrals is not very interesting) and went upstairs to bed. Then a while later as I continued to integrate, XY appeared. I must admit, I half expected/hoped he would. However, I was AIMing with my a good friend of mine, and when he garnered for my attention I have to say I wasn't really willing to play audience to his oddball antics. He hurts me sometimes. I hate to say it, but its true. Some of the things he says hurt me. Actually a bunch of the crap he says hurts me. I hate being hurt, I hate the feeling that I'm letting myself be hurt even more. I know the reason the things he says hurt me is because I still care about him a bit in that non-platonic way. So I need to stop that. Me + Him = Nothing. It will never happen and I really need to accept it. Do I even really want it to happen? I mean if I could have the first him, the in the beginning him I would. Now, after all the crap, with that girl, who he is now dating. I don't want sloppy seconds. I hate to even think that I would ever be second to anyone. I'm competitive and to compete for someones affections is not a game I want to end with 2nd place. I don't ever like second place. Besides, I doubt that he has liked me since that first week of school. So its over. Officially. My feelings for him have been eradicated, and I'm good with being his friend, and that's all. Connie asked me today, well really Thursday for now its 2am on Friday, she asked me if he asked me on a date (sans girlfriend of course) what would I say? I thought and thought, and I know: If he asked me now I would say yes, that doesn't mean I still like him, but everyone deserves a chance. To be honest I have already gone out on dates with different guys this semester, dispite the fact I didn't feel like right away. So what's the difference here? I mean who knows, a date doesn't = like, it means I'm taking time to get to know a guy a little more in a special way. But anyway, I know I don't like him like him. Besides what was I thinking? He DOES have a girlfriend, so it was a waste of time, and I hate wasting time. ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. Also he doesn't make me feel good about me. I want to feel good about me when I'm with someone, and make them feel good. That's what really did it for me tonight. He was making me feel bad, and that game he plays is getting old to me. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm not as intelligent as he is, and regardless of who's smarter it shouldn't matter, no one should ever make me question my intelligence. At times I feel like I'm in the constant state of needing to prove it to him. No one should have to feel like they need to prove themselves to be liked in return. That is the real reason I'm letting him go. I need respect, and he just doesn't add up enough in that department. So I'm sorry to all of my friends who spent hours of listening to me go on about him, about his good points and his bad. If I talk about him, I hope to keep it contained here. So it bothers no one. Still, I have to be brutally honest about another thing. I hate it that I can't like him anymore, I HATE it. To be even more honest still, I wish I could continue on liking him, and have everything be grand, that everything would work out like I hoped it would when I first liked him. I wish he would give me some concrete reason to keep liking him, but I doubt he will, no, I know he won't. Like I said, he does have a girlfriend so why would I expect anything?

I guess the good thing about the whole XY thing is that even though I never actually dated him, I did learn something about me and what I want when I finally do date someone. I want it to be really really good in the beginning. I know that its not always good, but in the beginning it should be. I want to feel good about me when I'm with a guy, not like I have to be better than what I am for him. I can't be, I can just be Dominica...that's it, and that should be enough, I can't really be Adriana Lima, or some other girl that guys think are perfect. I don't have big perfect boobs, I'm not 5'7", and I'm not whatever else XY or someother guy might think is perfect, but I do stand out. Besides, I like that I'm me. Dominica is 5'2", size 0/2, with little boobs, dark brown hair, black eyes, olive skin, and a bootylicious booty. Haha. She likes comedies and action movies, and hates chick flicks. She's really smart, actually she truly is a genius, only she's a very very lazy one, and somehow manages college without reading her textbooks, which is why she's a genius. She likes to sing and write music, and most of all she loves to dance. It's her passion, and her dream is to have mastered some level of skill in almost every form of dance. So far its only ballet, tap, jazz, and modern, but one day, yes one day it will be everything. She wants to go to medical school, Harvard Medical school or Dartmouth, and she wants a 42 on her MCAT. Which she is going to do. She wants to be a surgeon, and have a brownstone in NYC. If you don't know what a brownstone is...then your very uncultured and lowly...its a type of building...a style of home. Duh. There are many other things she likes and wants, but we'll end with this: Lastly, she wants her own McDreamy/McSteamy. She wants him to be both. Whoever he is. He has to be both, he has to be gorgeous, but geniously smart, confident, but kind, sensitive, strong, supportive, respectful, open-minded, and adventurous. In the end, after all this crap that she's gone through and still has to go through, she wants to be in love. That's all, that's what I want. Right now XY can't give me what I want, so, kinda sadly, it's bye bye, to like liking XY.

Assignment #39: Take a Picture of Your Parents Kissing

2006-11-08T00:11:00.000-06:00

I doubt I'll ever see my parents this close.

The title of my post today says a lot. So much I don't even think I can get it all down right now. I got the headline after looking at the away message of one of my friends on AIM. Actually it was a link to a picture he had taken of his parents kissing for a website that assigns different little projects to kinda get people thinking and doing things out of the box. Anyway this little project got me thinking, thinking on a day when that is the last thing I need to be doing, but more on that later. I don't think I will ever see my parents together let alone kissing. This weekend is Dad's weekend here at my school, and guess who is not going to be here for me...that's right, good ol' dad. I'm not surprised of course, I mean he's never ever once been a part of my life. Still that doesn't change the fact that I wish he was. Also, on Gilmore Girls, the show that basically parallels my life, at least when it comes to the whole Loreilai and Rory thing. Tonight's episode of all episodes was about Loreilai and Chris visiting Rory on Parent's weekend at Yale. It was just too sureal, I mean everything bad about today was over emphasized. Of course the day when I breakdown over school work, work, losing an entire load of my laundry, having three exams coming up right after the other, MCAT class, No sleep last night, and a host of other things that I will not put down because they are too personal...I mean personal & emotional, of course when all this other shit is going on, one of my favorite shows has to be the parallel universe to my own life. While things fall into place for Rory, they are falling out of place for me. Even her parents are together....yeah that was definitely the icing on the cake today. My parents will never be together...ever. I don't even know if I'll ever even see my father...ever. That kinda stinks I mean there is an entire other side of my family I may never know. I would like to, but circumstances being as they are, who knows what will happen. I just want my life to be complete...to stop having so many holes, to fall into place. I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark, and I have no true idea of who I am or what's happening to me. Things are so frustrating right now. Plus I feel like I have no real place to just get away from everything, something always comes up to remind me that I have a bunch to go deal with all the time. So what else was bad about today? First Calc. I had a quiz...I'm sure I did terrible. So that pissed me off. Then at work the kids were oh so terrible all of them, even my favorites. They were crying, fighting, just plain disobedient. Wouldn't stop for a minute to learn anything. Then I was upset about school...the stress...I can't take it. So I called my mom and my grandma, and all they said was stop crying, and worrying. Um...yeah thanks wish I could duh. So no help there. I really don't like crying and emptying all my thoughts and fears on my friends because that just makes me feel to vulnerable and exposed, plus it makes me feel bad like I dunno I don't want to weigh them down with my problems. So yeah, there is a lot going on right now. I just wanna throw in the towel...

Love Episode X: Fear and Loathing in Champaign

2006-11-05T12:14:00.000-06:00

I was with XY today. Yeah, nothing exciting except for this: A piece of the part of me that likes him...died. I dunno how small or large that piece was, but I do know this: I definitely do not like him like I used to. The intensity of my feelings for him have certanly been dampened. I mean I'm still his friend, and I will continue to be his friend as long he respects me and treats me like a friend. That's no problem, but anything more than that. Really isn't doing it for me right now. I also realize that today he definitely was not putting himself on my goodside, far from it, and I'm sure that had everything to do with how I'm feeling about him right now. However, I was begining to ween myself away from him already, and today just helped me pull away a little more. I'm not gonna say I don't like him anymore at all. That would be silly and stupid, no ones feelings are black and white, well at least even when I try to make mine that simple, they just aren't. So I'm not even gonna set myself up by saying I'm over him before I really am. I just wanted to awknowledge that I am steadily nearing that destination. Destination sans XY. He did really bother me today though. He was talking about my McDreamy. Yes, McDreamy, I wanted to kill him. Well not kill, maybe just severely maim. Also sometimes I feel like he can be such an attention whore. So today I was loathing him inside, inside I was foaming at the mouth wanting to tear out his heart with my bare teeth. He brought up my worst fears, and talked about someone I really care about. I didn't want to tell him all the things that were going on inside my head, and the truth of the matters. I don't think I could ever go that deep with him at least not without getting my deepest secrets and feelings ridiculed and trampled on. XY seems so insensitive now. I remember when we first met, and my idea of him from then has completely changed to today. I don't trust him at all, at least not with things that are somewhat important to me. I don't think I could ever go more than just skin deep with him, and this is what really made a part of me lose interest in him. How can I like someone, i.e. hope to be with them when I can't even trust him to be a real good friend and to be kind to me at least some of the time. I can't...I can't like someone like that. So slowly, I'm not. I honestly cannot say I like him anymore, I can't say I don't, but at the sametime I can't say I do. So for now...I don't really like anyone, even McDreamy is having a rest tonight. I'm just feeling a little lonely in the romance dept. A bit lonely and jaded...and tired. So looks like Dominica is back to square one...again...as usual. This is what I was afraid of. Terrified of. Screaming not to end up back here again. Wait did I ever even leave square one or home plate or whatever you want to call it. No. I didn't, but I'm pretty sure I was at bat...yeah so I fouled out, but the game is still only in the 2nd inning. I'll get another chance and this time, I hope, it will be with someone a little more worth it.

Babies and Disney Songs

2006-11-03T01:15:00.000-06:00

Kobe, my littliest cousin...though not for long.

I have Calculus homework due in about 18 hours. However, instead of working on it I began to download my favorite Disney songs. In doing so it caused me to think about my splendiferous childhood. In turn causing me to wish desperately to be a child once again. However, I can't be if I could I would have done it a long time ago. So then I got to thinking even more, also this thinking kept me far from calc. I began to think...when I have kids I'm gonna make sure I share all the things with them my wonderful mother shared with me. The music, the movies, the food, late weekend nights, and making comforter tents in the living room and eating our favorite take-out from the chinese place down the street. Sigh...Good Times. My children will be beautiful and grand, brilliant and inspired. I can't wait to have them and love them. In fact I feel like I already love them and whoever they turn out to be. I really really want to have kids. I used not to. In fact the desire to have children didn't hit me until I turned 20 really. Since then its something I think about from time to time, and I realize how great my want is to one day have a family of my own, secure and filled with love. I can see it. I want it. So thinking about my future family, and believing, knowing that it will happen for me one day is very reassuring. Reassuring because I worry that I won't fall in love or find that one special guy, but this gut-feeling that I will settledown and start my own family with someone helps me know deep deep down that I will...someday...find love. I hope so. No, I know I will, and guess all this waiting will make it all the better when its finally here. Oh! And he better appriciate it too, I mean I'm untouched like an action figure or special edition Barbie still in the original package...a rare find.
I also think about having kids so much probably because I work at an elementary school. I'm an America Reads tutor, I'm like a teacher's aide pretty much. I work with kindergarden through 3rd grade. The kids are so cute...well most are. I have a few who can be well...difficult. This one kid is such a whiner...and he is so disagreeable. Still while I have my least favorites I also have my faves. This one little girl in my kindergarden class is just so smart, but she's so quiet and unassuming, then you ask her something and she knows everything. She has surpassed everyother student in her class. She's also very creative and unique; for halloween she was a unicorn! I mean I would not have thought to be that. I was Tinkerbell...like every other little girl my age at 5. However, I find that most of the girls I teach are well very drama oriented. Its amazing how the drama starts at such a young age. Amazing. This one little girl is a compulsive liar, I mean she lies all the time!!! She will deliberately hurt herself or break something of her own just to blame it on another student...usually a boy. I find that boys for me are just easier to teach and get along with. They're simple, and actually boys stay pretty simple for the rest of their lives. Since teaching boys in kindergarden thru 5th grade and hanging out with guys in college, I see they are very much the same on both levels and this has helped me a lot in understanding them and dealing with college guys. Really it has. They like attention, and to feel like you're in awe of them or impressed by them regardless of their age. But at the same time to gain their respect you do have to show them that you aren't just a pretty face, show that you have some grit, be it sports or knowledge show them one good time, usually when you first meet is best, and you're pretty much set, they'll remember. Believe me one good time is enough. They like it that while you're impressed by them or something they've done, you still have some sass to sling at them, and you're not gonna blindly let them take charge. Seriously, regardless of what male you're working with this always works, its a type of power struggle. You're showing them that you recognize they have strength, power, intellect...whatever, but at the same time you have your own, and your giving them the lead, not letting them just take it. And be a bit coy with it too, it shows that you're still a girl, femminine, they need to see that, it keeps them interested. No joke it works, girls all have this power over males...its something that we all have, but believe me it takes practice, and the want to use it. I don't particularly like using it especially over my close family and friends that are guys, but everyonce and awhile I gotta break it out. We all do.
Anyways back to kids, I have some names on a list that I like too. I'm not gonna list them all here since so many peope like to steal them from me!!!! Still, here's a few: Lizzie Mae, Eddy James, Ava, Aeryn, Emma, Emmy, Brody, Bailey, Quinn, and Camdyn. That's it...no more, and only the first two are from my faves list. So yeah...leave them alone. I just can't wait to have babies one day that's all. Also I want to have boys...lots of boys. Ok, maybe like 3 and then 2 or 3 girls...wait. I don't want 6 kids, if I have 6 I might as well have one more to make it a good number 7. Yeah, that's the limit...ok maybe 8...I'm just saying since I have like a list of like a hundred names just so I can use a good amount of them. Besides I'm gonna be in good shape, plus I could adopt a few. Omg...its 2. I gotta go to bed.

Love Episode IX: Stick With Your First Choice

2006-10-31T16:53:00.000-06:00

I hope one day I'll hear these words from my McDreamy...and its not who you think.

Ya know how on tests people say that your first answer is usually right? Well I think that applies not only to tests but in other areas of life as well. Right now it's sounding pretty accurate when it comes to guys. XY...must not care about me at all, I mean not even as a friend. I just get this feeling sometimes that he doesn't respect me at all. I'm realizing that I should have stuck with my first choice: J.McDreamy. Everyone said I should have. I'm an idiot. Why didn't I go all out for him while he was still here? Now he's all NBA, and far away, and I'm wasting time with stupid and gay XY. Who just really pissed me off 5 minutes ago. I'm too good for him. He called me annoying, ha, well watch and see if I ever annoy him again! As much as he pokes me and makes stupid jokes and pig-headed remarks around me and towards me! And he wants to call me annoying! The idiot! Whenever we're together all he does is talk about either A. Himself or B. Stupid rhetorical questions to fluster me. He is retarded! Its always: Do you think you're smarter than me?, Can I stick this pencil between your boobs? Are you wearing a push-up bra? You're a lesbian since you must not like penis. So if I depant myself right now you wouldn't look? I can't believe you haven't seen a penis!, or Boob! Wow...what was I thinking? I have no clue, but hey we all make mistakes right? I just don't see how I'm letting myself be attracted to this 1 dimensional freak! What is wrong with me? Why can't I just meet a guy isn't an Ass, but also has qualities that I enjoy in a guy? I mean Smart, Attractive, Tall, and Kind don't have to be 4 different people right!?! I should have stuck with going after my first choice: J. Really, I think I should have just let J.McDreamy know that I liked him when I had the chance. If I let him know now, I would worry that he would think I was after his money or semi-fame or something. My family already has enough money, and fame I would rather achieve on my own terms. I like J. because he is the total package. He is kind, smart, attractive, very very tall, and he's just good. I could see myself loving him one day. He's the kind of guy that when your with him, he's with you. I mean he gives you 100% of his attention. It doesn't matter if you're in a bar, out walking around campus, one on one, or with a bunch of his friends. He makes sure that you feel welcomed and taken care of. That is why I like him, because he is all the right things, all the right things that I want and need in my life. He's supportive and helpful, but funny and down-to-earth. I hope I get another chance to show my first choice we should be more than friends.

Oh and get this! XY brought up J. while I was over there today!!! He was like oh you'll confess your love to me one day. I was like no, I will confess it, but not to you. Then he was like: oh to who? J.? You are such a silly little girl. Ha ha if only he know how far away from the truth he was. Does he really think I'm gonna discuss my inner most feelings and experiences with J. to him? Does he think I would tell him everything? Uh...no. Unlike XY I try to keep my Hos separate...I wouldn't invite one over while I was publicly making out with the other. Dumbass. Don't think I forgot that shit.

Blood, Betas, and the XY factor.

2006-10-30T15:40:00.000-06:00

Top: My bloody knee after I fell. Bottom: Sheena, Me, and Sureel Friday before Joes.

Bom Dia!!!! Thats good morning in Portugese, since I was Adriana for Halloween this weekend. I wore the bra that she was wearing in one of her photos I found online. This weekend was pretty fun especially friday night. We went to Joe's and met up with some guy friends and danced all night!!! I love dancing. Saturday night looked promising as well, however near the end I fell when I was doing ostrich runs with Sheena and I took off about 5 layers of skin on my left knee, and I ripped my favorite dance tights all the way through. I was sad in a lot of pain, and it bled a ton!!!. There were also chunks of skin stuck on the tights...it was pretty nasty. Still we walked around I was so cold, and we attempted to go to a bar but they wanted $10 dollars and it was already like 1am, so we were like no way. I got sick, well not terribly sick, just a bit congested. Now its Monday and I need to just stay in and study and get well for Tuesday night which is a Halloween party at the BETAS!!!! I love BETAS!!! They are so cute and they have one of the best looking frat houses on campus. Its not looking all ugly and torn down like other ones. SigEps and AlphaSigs are my other favorite houses, and PIKES they're pretty cool too. I like these frats because I know guys from these houses and they're really cool and love to dance and party as much as me and my girlfriends. Also they're hott, I have yet to find any other frats besides these that can boast as many good-looking guys. So tomorrow night is BETA night, I cannot wait.
I need to really blow off some steam. My mom was tearing in to me over the phone today. I know that what I did wasn't the most responsible way to handle my money, but at the same time I really just wanted to be able to hang and have the same things as my friends. I know sounds dum but that is all it was. When they would go out to shop so would I, when they got food so would I, and I just got caught up in the moment with them. I'm not saying that what I did was ok, I know I shouldn't have spent so much, but its annoying to have to want while it seems like everyone around you is continuously getting. Anyway I really want to have fun I feel like I'm always missing out on fun so I just didn't think about the spending at the time. So I'm sorry, I'm an irresponsible person, I know this, and for some strange sick reason I'm reveling in it. I'm not only being irresponsible with money however, I think I am with school too. This however, is not something I'm reveling in. I just feel distracted and detached and like I'm not really here. Then there's XY. XY is the person I used to refer to as ____. From now on he will be refered to as XY, an idea my younger brother came up with from a television show he and my little sister watch. I'm a bit depressed as well. This depression is stemming from my worries about school, money, and XY. These three things hang from my neck with an indescribible weight.
Speaking of XY...I have to wonder what is going on in his head? Exactly what does he think about me, because as of late I've been a bit open with myself when it comes to him. I'm worried that I've been too nice and too open. I hope that I'm not allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. I would really like to know where I am going with XY and with my life. I'm starting to get the feeling that I've hit a dead end with both. I need some insight, something to happen because I'm stuck in a serious rut. I have fun with XY no doubt, but I enjoy being with him as a person not only because he's attractive, but I wonder if that's all I am to him, just a good-looking girl. I know I don't repulse him, and that he must be attracted on some level, but exactly what level I have no clue. The answer to this question has been eluding me since Saturday, which is the last time I saw him. Why are guys so hard for me? It all seems so easy for other girls. It not fair. Everything lately has been seeming to come easy for everyone, but me. Its like I'm missing some valuable link that everyone else has. I just feel so blah...and fat. I feel really fat. I'm thinking about anorexia as an answer. It works for Kate Bosworth and Nicole Richie...why not me too? I'm so sick of feeling out of it. What am I supposed to do!?! Will someone tell me!

Octoberfest 2006: Looking For My Alter

2006-10-17T23:57:00.000-05:00

My Alter: Adriana Lima

Ciao!! I'm currently looking for my Halloween costume. I finally decided what I am going to be, but now I have to put it together. Yay...kinda. You see I decided to be Adriana Lima. I know she's an actual person, but I have an idea. First of all I AM GOING TO BE HER. Everyone thinks I'm not, that I'm going to chicken out and be something mundane. Alas, if you think that you must not know me very well at all. Its Halloween folks, this is the only day of the year I get to be someone else, and wear whateva I want. So I thought to myself: what is the best way to be Adriana? I know she's the most beautiful woman in the world, so how can I even come close? Still I decided to try my best. So I looked up Miss Lima, and she has grey eyes, so I need grey contacts. Her hair is a darker brown than what I am at the moment so I'll dye my hair...I was planning to anyway. Still that leaves what I will wear. She's a model and she's done work for many different designers. However, she is of course most famous for her work for Victoria's Secret...right? That's when I decided I would be Adriana Lima as a VS Angel. So I'm planning on finding some hott lingerie and some feather angel wings and wear that for Old Hallos Eve. Yup, I'm gonna do it. See everyone can't believe I'm gonna wear just lingerie on Halloween, but people, I'm a dancer I've been on stage in less, its not a big deal. Its like wearing a lacy bikini, and I do plan on wearing skin coloured tights under, see I'm not crazy, I like warmth and at least one layer between me and the world. The only thing that is partially concerning me is the possible cold weather. Still I'll figure a way around it, really all I have to do is have my night planned out, knowing exactly where I'm going and I'll probably drive everywhere, well I might walk to a few places just to get my model strut on. I love model walking. So yeah, my only problem now is that I have yet to find a garter set that I like or that truly says "Adriana" to me. I'm still looking...I'm looking online mostly. I did find a company that makes inexpensive, yet very sexy and not trashy lingerie. Leg Avenue, but they only sell to retailers...that sucks. So I had to find online retailers that sell them since Champaign has no lingerie stores....ugh Champaign. But the online places don't sell everything I want...geez its so hard to find quality lingerie these days.

Physiology and Basketball

2006-10-11T00:41:00.000-05:00

Hello...I'm feeling much better. I usually have one bad day then I see the light so then I try to make the best of it and I am. James Augustine had his first NBA basketball game today, I think he did well, from what I understood which was little. Anyways, I have a physiology exam coming up...TOMORROW. Ugh...then I have Italiano on FRIDAY...why me? This really sucks. I need to focus on school, and rock these exams. I just chant I LOVE ________ and fill in the blank with whatever subject is bothering me right now that's physiology and italian. Yay!!!!! I catcha later...I've got to sleep.

Love Episode VIII: Black Holes & Hilary Duff

2006-10-09T21:57:00.000-05:00

Meredith is in bed...I'm in bed...I can't move. I'm stuck here, alone, cold and hurting inside. Hurting so bad inside that its dark in there, everything is so dark and twisty in there that its hopeless...a black hole where all the hope gets sucked in. This Black Hole is there b/c there has NEVER been any LOVE in there EVER. So the Hole gets bigger, darker, twisty-er, swirling around sucking up the hope and the nothing.

Whoever the slut is, I don't want to know b/c I don't care. Whoever she is she's not as good as me, as smart as me, talented, nor as hott. That's just a given. I hate this feeling that I have right now. I hate him, and her, and this feeling. I hate that I don't have what I wanted, what I want. I hate it that he is with someone else that is not me...it makes me sick. I hate him for not knowing, and for not making it easier for me. I hate myself for wanting something like him. I hate myself for not doing all the right things to get what I wanted. I hate myself for crying now. I hate them, and the idea of a "them," and not an "us." I hate it that she's not pretty, that she's plain and ordinary. I only wanted something that I liked, that I enjoyed being around. I can't stand that this is happening. I can't stand that I'm going through this pain. I can't eat, sleep, and thinking just sucks. I can't focus or concentrate on anything. I hate that I'm devoting time to him, to this. I hate it that I can't find something else to focus on, to submerge myself in. I hate it that I don't have anyone, that I'm single and wanting to look, but can't b/c I can't stop thinking about him. All I know is that I don't have what I want, and I want to know why, and what I need to do or be. I want to know what she has that makes him think she's good for him, that he thinks I may be missing. I want to know what I am and what I was to him. He made me say it, he kept badgering me and manipulating me to say what he wanted to hear me say. I said it. Now I want the same, I want to know exactly how he feels about everyone and everything, and where I fit. I want details, timelines, from beginning to end. I want to know why and where it changed. I want to know what happened. I want to know the why's and the what's. He made me tell him, I want the same. I'm crying, and I have cried too much over things like this. I don't want to be sad because I end up alone again. I want to have something manifest itself. I want something to work out for me, but it never seems to. I want to have something sometimes. I'm getting sick of always being left with nothing. Of always having to move on...to what? NOTHING as usual, another crush that leads nowhere? I'm sick of that, I just want something, someone that's for me. I don't have anyone, I have nothing with no one. How can it stop? And when will it? Am I being saved for something great? I doubt it. I just want to know...something.

Ugh...my roomate is in her room blasting the most repulsive thing: Hilary Duff "Beat of my Heart." I wish she would get sucked in a black hole...that would help the Universe.

Good Eats?

2006-10-02T18:51:00.000-05:00

Food. Its one of my favorite things, I love Food!!!! However, since I've been back to school I have yet to really enjoy a meal. I when I say enjoy a meal I mean the actual food on the plate. I've gone out to eat with my friends around campus, off campus, even at the dorms and enjoyed the meal due to the people I was with. HOWEVER, I haven't had a really awesome meal yet. Nothing is satisfying to me, I keep thinking if I was at home this would be ten times better. Maybe that's it! I'm homesick? But I'm a senior in college, and I was just home last weekend. Where, by the way, I had some amazing chinese from my favorite and also the best chinese restaurant ever: Moon Garden. Their chinese is authentic and oh so wonderful!!!! I'm dying for it right now. Their fried rice is brown, not light brown, not peach, not orangey...its brown brown, milk chocolate brown, b/c its fried rice!! Also they use eggs in their fried rice, which I love. The make the best food in the world!!! I've been begging my mom to either bring me some Moon Garden when she comes to visit for Homecoming or to FedEx me an order. She's currently refused all of my frequent requests. If I could find a really awesome chinese place down here in Champaign, that would really make my day...no life. I mean all these years and not one good chinese place? IF ANYONE KNOWS OF A GOOD CHINESE PLACE LET ME KNOW!!!! I'm dying for some good chinese. Also some really good all-american cooking. Not burgers, fries, or any fast food crap. I want homecooking!! Like pan-seared herb chicken, and sauteed greens with garlic and caramelized onions. Food like that, and red roasted mashed potatoes with peas. I know I've been watching way too much Food Network you think. No, that is how my mother actually cooks!!! Her citrus herb roasted chicken is so amazing, and so is her lime-cilantro marinated flank steaks. Then of course her grilled salmon, and homemade apple crisp, there is so much stuff she makes!!! I need to eat NOW!!! OH and her spaghetti with marinara and italian sausage, her formaggio sauce is amazing too. I hate Champaign! There is nothing truly wonderful here. Atleast I have yet to satisfy my food cravings. I can cook too. I just live in a dorm so that is so impossible for me to make a great meal. Besides I don't have the tools either, my dorm does have a kitchen, but I have no pots and pans. Also the stove downstairs is electric...I prefer gas to get a really good flavor in the food, and it does make a difference. So anyway I guess I'll just have to continue my efforts in getting my mother to bring me some of her food or atleast to pick up an order of Moon Garden for me.

Love Episode VII: Waiting for flowers

2006-09-28T20:54:00.000-05:00

OK....I kissed him...(not the guy in the pic...he's just there for the view...) twice, and he says he had no idea I liked him, and now I haven't seen him in person since last week, and we talk on AIM, but thats it. He talks on AIM like nothing happened last thursday. I thought I was so close so close to finally having something...I know he just got out of a longterm relationship, but I was willing to go slow...as slow as he needed to. I mean I need slow too, I haven't really had a bf...ever. So slow was good, but then I have to end up feeling stupid, b/c I go to this bar...and this girl is there, this girl who is not ugly, but not pretty either, she's just there, your regular run of the mill jane, and he kisses her...he kisses her...GOD (and I really needed to call on him...so that was not in vain), I felt so dumb, so stupid, so blind to think for a second that he would like me...I mean for someone that I like to like me?...that's insane. I'm just Dominica, Dominica...who tries to believe she's pretty, smart, talented, good, kind, unique, exotic looking, almost maybe sexy in that demure, sweet innocent, bookish way. I'm not replusive AM I? I mean if I am tell me so I can either a. Fix it or b. Live with it and just give up now. What am I doing wrong??? Why can't I be happy...and share it with someone else? I mean I just want to share something...happiness, feelings, kisses, food, movies, all that good stuff, but as much as I want that...it seems like its just getting progressively further and further away. Actually recently it seems like everything I want is getting father and farther away from my grasp. I have this fear that I will end up on the opposite end of everything I have ever wanted. So far away and then my life will be over, and it will be too late to do anything...and I will just have to wait till I die.

I talked to my mother about this whole thing with ____, she said maybe he's being honest, maybe he really didn't know. Did I really do anything after the two kisses which happened a month ago, to let him even know I was interested? She knows I can be quite fridged. I guess I didn't do too much, but I didn't know what to do...remember Dominica, has no experience with these things. He kissed me in August and he still talked to me the next day, and then he kissed me again...and still he talked to me the next day. I know that sounds so stupid, but again I have no experience, I'm 21 without one solid relationship under my belt. I know what I want, but I am lacking in the knowledge of my skills to get what I want. So maybe its true. I didn't give him any clues. So again...I'm still where I was before. Alone.

Geez, that's depressing...on a lighter note...I'm still writing music, learning guitar, and singing. I got a pretty good song down last night. I want to cry, about the whole ____ thing, but I haven't really felt like it yet. So in some weird way I'm tottally ok. I know I am I'm too self-sufficient not to be...that's another thing, I'm too good on my own.

One more thing I dyed my hair...It's no longer this almost blonde colour...which was tottally washing me out, I'm a nice golden brown brunette now...good with my skin tone, and not all the way black so its something new, fun, and different.

Love Episode VII: Always a Bridesmaid

2006-09-16T17:59:00.000-05:00

You know that saying always a bride's maid never a bride. I think that applies to me, not in the sense that all my friends are married, but more in the sense that I'm always a friend and never a girlfriend. All of my friends right now have either a. Just gotten in to a relationship, b. Have been in a great relationship for awhile, or c. They just ened long term relationships, and don't want to be tied down for the time being. Then there's me...Dominica...as always...just me. That's how I've been for what, hmm...the past 21 years. I've had crushes, I've had numbers given to me, heck I've even been on a couple of dates. Still not in a relationship though...not an official one. I've had weird inbetweens and almosts...still nothing official, nothing that I can really call my own. So what am I here to say exactly? I don't really know at the moment, but I'm sure it will unfold in due time. I do know, however, why I started writing this. I like a boy. Yes, a different one than before. Sure this one's not as tall, or as sweet, nor is he as simple or captivating as my beloved J. Then again...J. is not here, he's away, doing his thing, living his dream, and who can blame him? I would be off living mine as well if given the opportunity. So to bide my time as I wait for my next opportunity to live my dream and hopefully include J. in it (and also to abide the fears of my grandmother, mother, and aunt, and my own) I've been keeping a secret eye out for a new boy. I found one...or so I thought. He's smart, that's what I like best about him. Seriously more than anything else I really enjoy the fact that he is extremely intellegent. When I found out what he was studying I was shocked...well not like shocked, more like pleasantly surprised(though I gave him crap for it). He was good looking, I was attracted to him, and there were no immediate flaws in his physical design, and he was Smart...I was like WHAT, and he's talking to me?...but more on that later. Anyway, when I first met him I just awknowledged that he was a cute boy, and allowed myself not to think anymore of him. I thought he was cute, great...now forget him I said to myself. If only I knew I would be writing this now...So that day when I first saw him it went like this:
Sureel: So Domi is there anyone here you think is cute?
Me: Hmmmm...not really...I dunno...wait...he's cute ::I point::
Sureel: Oh that's ____, you should go talk to him
Me: NO, that's okay, I don't feel like that right now.
Sureel: No, you should, he's really nice and...(blah...blah more goodthings), don't worry I'll introduce you tonight.
That's how it began, I didn't want to meet him, I tried not to, but I did meet him, but after we ran through a Fitched version of the formalities...I ran. I didn't want to be in his vicinity in anyway shape or form. However, that's not thow it worked. Basically, I was sober, and therefore more deft at avoiding him, and his drunken attempts to talk. Yet, through a series of events we ended up sitting close to one another, and a conversation ensued dispite my sobriety amoungst the drunk. That was where I learned more about him. In two white cusioned chairs early one Sunday morning(1am-ish?). I left him there in those chairs, I was banking on him being so drunk that he really had no clue he was speaking to and that he'd forget me, and that I would not see or speak to him again. I was wrong, but I admit it was my fault, kinda, I still wasn't expecting anything. A few days later I called my girl Sureel:
Me: Hey!! Can I ask you a Question?
Sureel: Sure.
Me: Remember, that guy I thought was cute?
Sureel: Yeah, ____? (name there)
Me: Yeah, he was really cute...I still don't get why he even talked to me.
Sureel: Cuz...you're cute, really you are.
Me: I thought I looked so bad that night, but I was wondering if we'd ever see him agian, I mean I just thought he was cute.
Sureel: No, girl I understand, why don't you just facebook him?
Me: I dunno, well, I could, do you know his last name?
Sureel: Yes, it's __________.
So, I made contact first...yes, me. I don't know now if I'm sorry I did it, but I did and that's done now. Still, although I made contact first, he kept it going...I mean he did respond...keep reading.
Fastforward now( by the way that was over the summer, a couple weeks before school started for us Illini.) I'm finally getting to UofI (champaign-urbana) the monday right before the first day of classes...which is Weds. I unpack a few things ( honestly I just finally unpacked everything, and put away the boxes and organized my room like yesterday...no Thursday, but my room is beautiful...really its like a magazine.) say goodbye to my mom, grandma, and sister, and gear up for the semester to come. Up to this point this boy and I have exchanged messages online, short brief messages. The next morning after I got to school, I'm bold...I IMed him. Brave right...ok for me it was. It took me like an hour to push send after I typed the message, and it took him hours to respond ( he was away). We made plans to eat together the next day, and that's where it took off...or now looking back...maybe I just did. We went out that night too, to a bar, a friend of mine came with us as did a friend of his. After the bar...we got back(darn is this where I messed up?) to his room and we talked. OK, we didn't just talk, but we did for awhile, but then as we were talking he leaned in for the kill. I was thinking: "WHAT....he's going to kiss me?? I'm so not ready for this....oh no....he's so cute...omg...wait...he's kinda smiling...no he's not going to...wait....yes he is...darn it!!!! This is it, he's gonna kiss me and we're never gonna talk again...ok...so am I gonna do this?....But he's hott...ok just do it." Mind you all this thinking is happening in a span of like 3-5 secs. maybe even less. So I kissed him. It was a good kiss, a kiss that made me like him officially. We only kissed, but it was late and I did sleep there that night...it sucked...the sleeping, his room was freezing, he had no blankets on his bed, I was in my tight jeans, and I hate sleeping in my bra...uggh. So I got up that next morning(feeling, oh so tired and like I had the smell of a boy encircling me and that everyone could smell or tell somehow that I had been up all night with a guy.) and went to my 8am class. That night repeated itself that following night, yet it has not made an appearance since that first week of school. So much has happened since that first week, and now I'm here not knowing where I stand, and it drives me crazy. I've gotten mad at him for varyious things, but I'm only mad b/c I don't know what's going on, I like him, and I feel like my chances are slipping away, and I had (well I still have) the hope (this hope seems so silly now) that there would be a "we" finally and not just a "me" as usual. Oh, well...I guess I'll have to see what happens next...and you will too.

Though I doubt anyone reads this.

Love Episode VI: Close To You

2006-04-23T15:17:00.000-05:00

Current mood: accomplished
Category: Romance and Relationships

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair
And golden starlight in your eyes so true.

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
~The Carpenters

That song pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I saw my Future on Thursday. I haven't been so close to him in a very long time. It was nice, and all day long things just kept falling into place, just like the birds and stars in the song. My friend, Connie, works at a restaurant on Green St. He was there for lunch and she over heard what he was doing that night...I already know, but I wasn't sure if he was still going, but she able to ensure me that he was. Then on my way to Italian class I saw him walking, he nearly ran me over...I would have let him...lol. Also my roommate said she would go with me to see him that night too, along with my friend Candice. They were with me the whole time, giving great support. It took awhile for him to finally get to where we were planning to meet him, but when he got there he looked amazing. I have to admit I was worried that he wouldn't be able to dress well, but he does excellently. Sure it was only a jeans and t-shirt kinda outfit, but he fit it so well, and he is such an Ubersexual...that means hes metro, but still very very manly. So anyway when I saw him, he was with his best friend. They kept looking at me the whole night, one would look, and then tap the other to look and so on. It kept going all night. They offered to buy me drinks, but I just wanted juice. Still they bought all of my friends drinks. There were alot of girls around them (just like in the song too.) but he was cool about it and nice to each one. The thing is I wish I knew what he and his friends were thinking/saying to one another about me. I mean point look, point look??? WTF is that???? My friend Constance says that it was a good thing, because he was flirting with me...but he couldn't come up to me b/c so many people know him, and also he's probably used to girls going up to him....if he came up to me it would be like: ohhh so who is this girl??? Everyone would know he's into you and they might do something to either block him, or embarrass him. I guess that makes sense. Still I hope I get to see him soon again...he is super hott. I like him so much more now...since I was there with him and I got to see more of what he's like. He's really goofy and laid back which is cool, he seems really low key, and I like that. It puts me at ease, he doesn't seem like a man-whore either. He is the opposite of this other guy I was into(This other guy was a man-slut or as Constance and Tiara would say...His HO-ASS!!!), he's definitely into girls, but not chasing them down. He just has this calmness about him. So anyway, my girls that were with me said that what happened that night was a step in the right direction, and not to worry, and that the next time I see him...things will be even better.

Currently listening: The Second E.P. By The Eames Era Release date: By 17 August, 2004
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Immigration Laws and Jest

2006-03-28T21:52:00.000-06:00

Hee Hee....with all this talk about immigration laws...which I feel need to be more strict, and I do not agree with that crap Amnesty, and yes I believe it is Amnesty, bill that some people in congress are trying to push. Watch Lou Dobbs Tonight (yes it is called Lou Dobbs Tonight) on CNN, he says exactly how I feel about immigration. LOCK down the boarders. Also look at Canada...heck we Americans can't even get into Canada without stating why were gonna be there and for how long, and if your not out by then...they will find you. So yeah...illegals get the heck out...its not fair to the 3 million (yes its really 3 mil) immigrants trying to come here legally, they have to wait while every jose, maria, and their kids get in whenever they fell like it. Also the parts for a dirty bomb got across borders about 3 weeks ago...WTF...do you people see this??? Illegal immigration benefits Corporate America and Rich People...because its cheap labor...Illegal immigration is putting the lives of Middle Class America in danger. Right now neither side (Republicans or Democrats) are representing us the Middle Class. We cannot benefit from cheap labor, they take jobs from us, and the easy access to our borders means easy access to our lives. Terrorists can come in from our southern borders...hello can you tell an Arabian from a Mexican...I can't...sorry if that sounds bad, but lets be honest...their features are pretty much the same: Tan with dark hair. Unless I hear one screaming Derka Derka or Ole Ole I can't tell the difference sorry. Well that is how I feel here is how my friend Achilles feels (not me...I just LMAO) about Xuqa, an online community, letting people who are not in college on the site: I don't like creepy people. since we can now have "unlisted" persons on this site, more creepy people have come on, and many of them are sketchy iranians. listen, haj, i don't want you friending me, claiming to be the son of a navy seal (i know you're lying because your english sucked that much), or saying you want to be in the "army forced."

and to you turks, guess who speaks turkish? YOU. not us. send messages in english, you fuck. we're too busy learning spanish so we can have people clean our houses and cut our lawns and sell us drugs. furthermore, to you iranian males, again, i am in the army, you probably signed up to be a martyr for the ayatollah. ie, i will have to kill you some day, most likely, whether it is in iraq, afghanistan, iran, or somewhere else. i don't want you looking at my pictures and trying to get a printout so you can bring it to the local terrorist recruiting station and be like "derka, bak jihad mohammed sherpaha allah dakala bak shrapa shrapa." translation, here's another american soldier to put on the target list. fuckin' creepy.

Ok now its me Dominica writing again...sorry I thought that was funny, but to me it more applies to old people who go on the site trying to befriend us young folks...ewww I hate 35 year olds who want to be "your friend" I feel like a 12 year old who's about to be molested. Leave me alone those of you over the age of 25 who are male & are looking for companionship. Gross.

Unless you're Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, or some other hottie hott hottie celeb...Celebrities never count when it comes to age...their lives are just so different.

Ooops!!! Episode 1: Calling Dr. Grey

2006-03-18T00:16:00.000-06:00

Hmmmm.....well. I'm writing today I haven't written in a while and how do I start??? Well we all make mistakes right? Actually I know the answer to this question and yes we do. I should know, I have made my fair share, but I just made another, but this one is taking the cake. Ok, first off calm down....I figure if you're reading this you know me and you also know about Grey's Anatomy and Dr. Meredith Grey who well, sleeps around whenever she feels lonely after pineing for McDreamy. I like Meredith have my own McDreamy...however, unlike Dr. Grey I do not sleep around. So I just wanted to allow everyone to breathe a sigh of relief. I am a virgin and I plan to continue down this path of virginity until marriage people, that is not going to change. However, I did make a mistake with a guy...I gave him my number and he asked to see me again...yeah so to most people its not a big deal, but hey I'm not most people and to me it is. My friend Candice and I went out on Thursday night, I was able to since our ILLINI men's b-ball team won! and I was leading in my bracket scores!!!!, anyway we went out. I met a guy....we talked...I soon found out he wanted more than just to talk, but I didn't give in...but he made feel bad that I didn't. I dunno it's bothering me...alot. I guess it shouldn't, but it left me feeling really vulnerable, I mean is that what everyone wants...sex???? I can't give it so what does that mean for me? Then I was like thinking about J.A. the guy I really like and would love to go out with, but I was thinking what if J's the same??? Then what???? I only like him. So what do I do if he turns out to be jerk like the guy last night? Then I won't have anyone to like!!! I enjoy liking guys...I think I enjoy the crush more than actually being with a guy, well no, I think I would be very happy with J. I'm just thinking that I'm the last one left. The last person who thinks the way I do...oh well...I don't plan on changing anytime soon...if anything I'd become a Nun.

I'm just going to talk out loud... do you mind

2006-03-08T10:55:00.000-06:00

so this is my friend connie's blog, but I can't post comments on it....she's suck a jerk to me...thanks connie: I'm just going to talk out loud... do you mind: "I'm just going to talk out loud... do you mind"

Love Episode V: Part 1~Tonight Tonight

2006-03-08T10:43:00.000-06:00

Current mood: anxious Category: Life
I'm writing right now, b/c tonight is the night....that I'm going out to look for my guy, Candice is sick so I don't know if she is still going with me, but I hope so b/c boy hunting is no fun without friends...I know this cause I tried it alone one night, and it sucked...but I was rescued by some friends. So I need candice not to be sick and to be healthy. Right now I'm getting ready to leave so I'm not too late for my MCB 252 class. I hate school right now. I have an Italian Midterm coming up soon too. Great. I'm really nervous right now though, b/c when I see him tonight, if I see him, what do I do????? I have a very limited amount of time! How do I make a great impression and make a connection? Ya know I want like a number exchange or an I want to hang with you again or call me whenever to talk something....Aghhhh what to do? I'll update tonight.
Currently listening: Oh No By OK Go Release date: By 30 August, 2005

Love Episode IV: Unofficial Rainbows

2006-03-06T17:08:00.000-06:00

Love Episode IV: Leprechans and Rainbows Current mood: curious

Hmmmm....a week has passed since the last post...I guess I will take the time to update the Love blog, I went out with my girls on Thursday night (mistake, was so tired on Saturday for the pageant.), anyways I went out to CO Daniel's a bar on well Daniel St. I was having a good time hoping and praying my college love would walk in....I'll break the suspence now...he didn't. But wait...was the night worth it you ask? Did I lose 8 hours of sleep for nothing? NO...as a matter of fact, a close...very close, friend of his was there instead, and his friend remembered me, and broke my hand (a whole nother story, its not really broken just felt like it) Who was also dress in oh so much green...ha ha (inside joke with Candice here) However, I think his friend is attracted to me...I don't know for sure, and I'm not trying to be like conceited, but I bump into his friend everywhere and I'm worried I'm giving his friend the wrong signals. I mean I do get excited to see his friend b/c that means the guy I really like might be around ya know? However, the way his friend greeted me on Thursday was very misleading. It was friendly, but flirty at the sametime, he asked for my number I gave it...should I not have given it? I mean that would be mean since we do know each other, and if I'm mean to him he might pass it on to the guy I like right? I'm confused...well this Weds. me and the girls are trying again I was told by his friend they might go out then, and we could meet up with them, but will his friend be expecting me to talk with him more? Or is his friend leading me to the Gold at the end of my rainbow???? I have no clue...I'll have updates.
Currently watching: Jarhead - Collector's Edition (Widescreen) Release date: By 07 March, 2006

Love Episode: III

2006-02-27T11:48:00.000-06:00

Today is Monday!!!!! It is also a special day, b/c I'm alive and I'm sure its someone's birthday somewhere or anniversary or promotion or whatever. So this weekend I had a great time. I also made a huge step in my life...I stopped worrying. I stopped worrying about the guy I like, and my family and friends getting hurt for no reason. I worry a lot, but I"m not anymore. I love my family and friends still, but I'm not letting myself get sick to tears over them, b/c my worry does not keep them safe. I stopped worrying about getting the guy I like I should say, I still like him...a lot and this weekend helped me to realize I can enjoy liking him, and not ruin the fun of having a crush by worrying about: will I see him again.
This weekend also showed me that maybe, just maybe I'm an attractive person. I was a little lonely and sad at first, and I met a lot of guys this weekend, and some were great and said some great things, but, unlike Dr. Meredeth Grey, me being a bit lonely and a guy saying the right things does not make me forget who and what I really want. So these guys from this weekend were great confidence boosters, but like I said to Candice, my list of future boyfriends and/or husbands is not expanding at the moment, auditions are over. I know who and what I like and I'm secure in that, and I highly doubt it will change anytime soon.
On another note I had two nights of the weirdest dreams. The first night of dreams came true the next day!!!! It was so weird and it was about the guy I like!!! I was like freaking out, how did that happen??? There were only two differences between the dream and what happened in real life, but still they weren't that big of differences. It was so freaky!!!! I dunno I'm feeling destined right now to be with who I want and need.
Currently listening: Elevator By Hot Hot Heat Release date: By 05 April, 2005